Dear Gowri’s Page.
Happy two years together. Here’s to many more.
Entirely Unrelated Photograph
The other day, a friend of mine came up to me when I was printing some finals revision notes off in the computer cluster at medschool.
She said ‘Gowri… my flatmate reads your blogs and she doesn’t know you so she hasn’t told you in person, but she absolutely loves them!’ The sentiment was incredibly sweet but it also made me think, ‘she can’t have read my most recent stuff, surely…’
Gowri’s page has undergone a real evolution since I began with my first ever blog post in March of 2015. It went from a platform where I publicised superficial thoughts, meddled with writing styles, to a space where I freely shared my innermost musings, to… well… whatever it is now. A great number of my friends have now taken up blogging and I love to peruse their takes on life. It has made me, since, reflect on my own work over the last couple of years. What should this space be? Should I have more of a theme? Should I write for an audience or should I write for myself? Is writing for myself a little too abstract? Should I be striking a better balance? Am I trying to put a message out there or am I just trying to be?
I really don’t know the answers to most of these questions. All I know is that this little part of the internet that I call mine has also become a part of me. It’s grown with me as I have grown. Even as I look back on what I’ve previously written, wondering, ‘Maybe I should take this down…’, a small voice inside me protests in defence of the value my blog has added to my perception of life.
In each sphere of my existence, I am able to perceive my own growth. I feel like a different person to whom I was last year, last month… even last week. I’m grateful to say that Gowri’s page has been a key player in each transition.
Since writing Hello World I have really stopped worrying about how much people are going to judge me for the things that go on inside my brain.
Since writing The Buzz, I have come to accept my own ignorance in that despite the fact that I will be qualifying as a doctor in the few months ahead of me- I have no idea how much or how little I will take to it. I anticipate the steepest learning curve of my life. What I do know is that there are two things that fill me with extreme happiness. These are: being in a GP surgery with an endless flow of tea and the renin-angiotensin-aldosterone-system. Yes… The Buzz is very much still there.
Since If A Tree Falls– I haven’t got snapchat back, or the Facebook app and I intermittently delete instagram when I feel like I look too much at my screen and not enough at the world. I am no longer a social media addict and I don’t care anywhere near as much about portraying a fake-happy online version of myself.
Since Headspace… I meditated regularly for about a year and even did a six week meditation course at the Buddhist Centre in Birmingham. It’s a practice I need to get back into as I lost my flow since going away on my elective. Yet, its benefits have been phenomenal. I’ve become profoundly better in identifying my emotions and understanding my own needs.
Since Random Onset Girl Tears I have had many more episodes of Random Onset Girl Tears and I still believe in the good health of a solid session of crying.
Since Things I have Learnt From Four Weeks in Psychiatry I have been through my own journey, gaining personal experience of the way in which mental illness can throw you off course in unimaginable ways. I am both nervous and excited to say that my first ever job as a doctor will be in a Psychiatric hospital for four months. Full circle. Watch this space for the sequel.
Since I failed my fourth driving test today… I passed my fifth driving test. I went from a person who suffered from palpitations sitting behind that wheel to a fully fledged, motorway driving girl-racer in my sexy little Ford Fiesta that’s permanently covered in bird shit. The number of times a person fails at something is insignificant compared to their faith in their ability to achieve their goal, no matter how small or easy that goal may seem to the people around them.
Since Island Musing I have rediscovered those old roots where I first cultivated my passion for the English language and it gave my writing a delicious new flavour. It remains my favourite piece to date.
Since contained contentment, I’ve broken out of my cocoon of hurt and pushed myself in ways I was previously scared to do. I took up dating, healthy eating, yoga, spiritual reading, working out, partying, wearing tighter tops, letting go, red wine and me-time. It’s been phenomenal.
Since We Are The Heart Wearers I have come to accept that wearing my heart on my sleeve isn’t a bad thing but a beautiful thing. I’ve also learnt that there aren’t actually that many people in the world who are worthy of the abundance of love I am willing to give, so it’s important to be selective about whom I give it to.
Since I know you’re there… I met the person who was there all along and I also firmly believe that I attracted this person into my life out of the sheer faith I had in finding them. Moreover, I learnt an exceptionally valuable lesson: not to settle for anything less than what you absolutely deserve. I’m so glad I never listened to all those people who told me that my expectations were way too high.
Since S, my wonderful friend did die. The very night I poured my heart out onto Gowri’s page was, indeed, the last night that I saw him. I think we both knew it was coming and as he held my hand tightly whilst trying not to drift off, we were both internally saying goodbye. I miss him terribly but in my heart he is so very alive.
Since The Breakdown Chronicles I have been working exceptionally hard on a great number of deep rooted habits that had me spiralling into depression. I am continuing to work on them and as I do, my perception of everything is changing. I have a much longer term aim which is to honestly, change myself for the better. To become confident, comfortable and secure in who I am to such a degree that it pours light to every realm of my life.
By the time I come to the finale of a piece of writing, a conclusion tends to take form in my mind. But not today. Today, I’m simply happy that I ever started blogging in the first place. I’m happy for the 50 other bloggers who chose to follow me, the people who log on and read a few bits and pieces… and as much as I do write for my own joy, I’m ever so grateful for the people who approach me whilst I’m printing my notes to tell me they love my blog.
So thankyou www.shepaintswithwords.wordpress.com. Thanks for everything.