I have drafted so many posts in the last few months and never quite have managed to get round to actually finishing or publishing them. (On the contrary I have spent so much time journalling solo, working on myself, writing for my betterment etc). So I’m incorporating mad speed right now to just get something down on paper on the second day of this fine year. This blog has no real drive, force or intention behind it (yet). So before that passion process takes its toll on my typing, I’m going to provide you, me and the universe with a nice, succinct, handy list of things that happened in 2018 that have CHANGED.MA.LYF.
- I let go of my ego in my relationship. I pretty much knew from the day I met R- that he’s my companion soulmate. My raw intuition recognised that quality in him long before I even started to feel physically attracted to him. Once I let go of disappointments from my past, I felt ready to meet the person I wanted to spend my life with and then that person walked right in. And though my soul was ready for it; my ego definitely wasn’t. R- and I had about three weeks of honeymoon and then an extremely rocky start which involved yours truly mad spiralling into depression, anxiety and pure self loathing. There were so many moments there, where anyone else could have left. I would put him on a pedestal, compare my sexual past to his, dote on our differences and refuse to open up or let him in for paralysing fear that he would ‘see me for what I was’ and then fuck right off. In 2018, via an arduous and baby-step process, I let him in and I let go of the parts of my ego that weren’t serving me and that’s when we just became extensions of each other. Never once have I expected R- to complete me. I know it’s my own responsibility to complete myself and I take total ownership of that. But he has helped me, understood me and been there for me in my lowest moments. And I let him. Now, not only do I finally feel good enough for him… I’ve realised that when I let go of all the things that were holding me back, R- and I have this insane symbiotic situation going on where we legitimately add value to one another’s lives. This relationship is just disgustingly healthy now. And so am I. So. Am. I.
- I moved into my own flat and lived an extremely broke and solo lifestyle for eight months. It was just something I felt like I needed to do for my own growth. I went from living at university to moving back in with my parents and whilst the financial rewards were good… moving home was never the plan. So I needed to take a bite of the world on my own and I did it. It was good for me. I learnt that I liked being by myself but I didn’t love it the way I thought I would. Although I love being by myself, I do crave the company of others. Maybe in a parallel reality or a better mental state I would have enjoyed it more. But I’m exceedingly glad I did it. I don’t feel restless anymore. I’m at peace. And it has made me ready to move in with R- which is something that used to give me palpitations (of dread) just thinking about it. Now, the thought of it feels like the natural progression of my life. Which is perfect.
- I got a tattoo. For so long I said I would do this and I found an excuse every time, until one day, I walked into the studio and paid my deposit because life is just too short to not get a tattoo when you want one.
- I accepted that I had anxiety and depression and started medication and continued to attend therapy. The. Best. Decision. Of. 2018. It’s not just the chemical effect of the medication that made this the best decision. It’s actually the fact that starting the meds was so key to my overall acceptance of the situation. It was me chucking ego out of the window and allowing my spirit in to pick up the pieces and make me better.
- I got hugely back into the Law of Attraction and self development. The Law of Attraction both infuriated and fascinated me ever since I first heard about it. Actually, there’s one person I really have to thank this year and her name is Leeor. She is a YouTuber and I used to watch her videos and semi scoff at them, until she released one where she detailed her own experiences with anxiety and depression and I realised these two things can go hand in hand. Most of all, getting into this again, via her channel has cultivated my spiritual practice (complete with sage and crystals because why the fuck not). And even if it is all quackery, which I don’t really think it is anymore, it doesn’t matter because it’s helped me so much to focus on myself, focus on the good things in my life, be grateful and allowed me to actually get clear on my purpose.
- I realised how much my partner’s family are my own when someone very close to us got sick really suddenly. In this moment I lost all logic and wished him better under my chinese cat. He is recovering.
- I cherished every second of my job on the respiratory ward.
- I hated every second of my job on the surgical ward and it drained my soul to the point where I realised that my ability to care for people makes up a significant enough chunk of my self esteem that I legitimately rely on it for my own personal happiness. You can read my medicine experiences here.
- I am grateful every second of my life carrying the Orthopaedics bleep because I grew much thicker skin and learnt to stop taking shit from people at work.
- I worked with a personal trainer for a short while and after four years, I took on the squat rack, surrounded by men in the weights section of the gym and I was very proud of myself.
- I moved back home with my parents. When I moved into my flat, I promised myself that when I made the call to move back home, I would do it with a smile on my face. And I did. I was ready. I used to always compare myself to other people who were living out whilst doing their jobs and feel crap about myself, like I was less than them because I had regressed in some major way. Well, honey, if you read this, you’ll see that my life has bumbled along into many things but regression just isn’t one of them.
- I accepted myself as I was, my life as it was and made ‘Me’ into my own personal project. I’ve worked so hard on myself this year.
- In 2019 I’m continuing the Gowri Project until August and after that, I will begin the Gowri and R- project whilst continually working on the Gowri project simultaneously. I’m not sure the Gowri project ever quite finishes.
In 2017, I broke.
In 2018, I grew.
In 2019 I will heal and become the most magnificent version of myself so far.
Watch dis space xoxo G