Raw 

Written July 2018 and published April 2019 on pure whim because pain is a real thing

You know. One day I’m gonna be too much and you might leave me. I think that every time I tell you about these breakdowns. Before- I was so paralysed with fear that I couldn’t even tell you about them because I was so convinced that’d be it. You’d leave. I was told all my life that I would never find a person who could handle my emotions so that fear will always be there. That you’ll go. Because of who I am inherently and how bad that is. How much hard work I am. And that’s why it makes me so hard to accept myself. I want to close off and be alone so you can’t see it or be around it because this side of me is so shitty and unbearable. Gowri, the stupid emotional girl. Then I think… that’s fine, because I know that if you do leave me, I’ll survive because I’ve done that before, had my heart crushed plenty of times and I can do it again. I’m almost used to break ups. This relationship is so challenging because I can’t hide myself from you until you break up with me because you’re the first person to give me signs that you might not do that.

So after one year, I have no choice but to open up to you after loads of awkward times trying and failing and word vomiting before you’re about to go somewhere with your friends or completely inappropriately. And then you’re like why do you say this now?! And I’m like… because I’ve had to work up so much courage to do this
Thing is I’m actually ok with external factors causing me pain and distress. I can handle that.

I have to be around for your dad to get better and I have to be around because my sibling needs and deserves to have a big sister to get her through life. And you know when they call things ‘protective factors’ which is just a posh way of saying reasons why don’t people just end their pointless lives- these are currently my protective factors. And every time I think of ingesting loads of paracetamol I think of all the personality disorder girls who sit in the medical outlier wards exchanging their self harm methods and I don’t want to be one of them and it just wouldn’t work anyway and I’d regret it and call someone and end up in the hospital where I work and everyone would know my mental health suffers sometimes, so it really is a bad idea. I think of all the places my mind has wandered to… this is the most miserable. At least severely depressed people who have lost their protective factors can do something about the pointlessness.The rest of us, people like you and me… when we experience this emotion, the protective factors weigh us down and keep us here and make us get up and do another day. We can’t just give up, that’s why we don’t. See today, I’ll cry for a while and then I’ll go to work, won’t I? Where no one will know about these attacks. I felt this coming on today, from the moment I woke up. I told you I felt anxious and really, I should’ve just sat and worked through that before it led to this. But it happened didn’t it

This happens. This just happens sometimes Gowri and it’s okay sweetheart. It’s okay that it happens sometimes. It’s great that you get back up from it how you do. Really I’m writing this to —- because I want him to tell me it’s okay for this to happen sometimes, but look. I can do that on my own, see. No one is getting hurt today. You’re seeing Claire tomorrow and you need to trust how much she’s gonna be able to help you. Think of how stable you feel when you leave her house. Think of how non judgemental she is and how much she wants to help you. Remember? See that’s why it’s gonna be ok because in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing.

And think how much you’ll be able to chill out next weekend for three whole days. It’ll be amazing. Why don’t you get another cup of tea because that’ll make you feel better. And don’t put pressure on yourself now because nothing will happen if you don’t live up to your own expectations. Just take it slow, remember these things take time. Loads and loads of time.

Lol so sometimes when you ask me how I am and I go “yeah I’m ok, I was a bit upset today but now I’m ok” what I actually mean to say is everything I just wrote.