Hi everyone. I say everyone as if i have a real crew of people agonising over the next time i write something lol
It’s been a real minute. Lately I’ve really been refraining from writing anything on here, lowkey subconsciously because I’ve been more present, less in permanent freaking pain and trying to actively consume more conscious media rather than purging all my weird shitty thoughts all over the internet. The other day my friend sent me an ‘inspirational’ podcast from Robin Sharma, whom I am sure is a very successful person or whatever but I had just come back from a grim set of nights and woken up from a nap and in the total pits of social isolation without having commenced my reintegration into daytime + society and I couldn’t help just lie there on my sister’s bed in the middle of the day thinking ‘ugh fuck off with your advice, who are you to tell me to live my life, maybe i don’t want to be successful, maybe i just want to be happy and reincarnate as a tree in my next life SANS night shifts’. aNYone else?
I think somewhere in the middle of that I forget that I am an okay person and I am permitted to write some stuff on this web domain that i totally went and fucking created in the first place? i don’t know, maybe this is my quarter life crisis manifesting and I just feel have absolutely nothing left of value to give and/or share so i pressed pause. for six months. Anyway, since my writing has been dryer than my pre-teenage vagina lately i’ve hopped back on here to say some things about what is occurring in my life and then leaving for another hiatus of looking at trees, being alone and throwing my middle finger up at ‘successful’ people.
Ok so here are some thoughts and updates now
- I am in a good place in my life and this is good. by society’s standards i’m a spoilt middle class brat living at home with my mom and papa but i’m stable on an antidepressant so quite frankly, who is complaining? not ya girl. I’ve not self harmed in almost a year and i’m genuinely really fucking happy and I see my therapist whenever i want and it’s sunny out
- I decided when i quit instagram to just let the fuck go of society’s version of success. I think you might have caught that vibe. If you’d told me a couple of years ago where i currently am in my life i would have cringed hard because i had all this pride and these unrealistic notions of what success looked like in my eyes. aka not living with your parents at the age of 25. first world problems eh? ugh I hate that phrase. But i got so sick of my own expectations of my life and eventually realised I could not go on if I was going to feel this way so i just hermitted out in my own hole for a while and let myself be. I feel better for it.
- Recently I have been obsessed with trees. They are so deeply rooted in just being. And their beauty is a product of so much time and wear. They’re an exemplary form of stillness. I sometimes take the time to sit with trees and absorb their wisdom. maybe this is why i’ve stopped writing; guys- i have nothing socially acceptable to say anymore
- I bought a house. Yeah, with R-. In Birmingham. For a while i was scared to leave my comfort bubble of home and work and things and i still think that after 2.5 years moving in with someone is a fucking colossal step and I’m intent on giving myself spades of time and space to just emotionally adjust to this. another aspect of letting go of all the expectations is just treating myself like a child and allowing life to happen and surrendering control, somewhat.
- Our new neighbours are sooooo cool. They have three little girls who i am obsessed with and we’re having a Maoana movie night soon and people, I am buzzed. They also invited R- and I round for a drink at 1am when the girls were in bed and i was a complete buzzkill, threw a wobbly fit because I didn’t want to go (we were already hungover) and I didn’t want him to go alone because it triggered some old stuff about me not being worthy and fear of him leaving me and R- just held me all night and stayed even though he totally didn’t have to. I find it so hard to come to terms with some of my own shit and then there’s R-. the solid fucking guy who holds me when I’m sad. this is why i’m going to propose to him in May 2020 (you heard it here first, he doesn’t read my blog teehee)
- I got into GP training which i’m really proud of myself for because it might not seem like a big dream to the rest of the world but I see it as my personal calling so i don’t care. I used to get worried about my own lack of identity and feared that i went into medicine because my parents are doctors. now I believe my soul was incarnated into this current body as the daughter of two doctors so that i may be inspired towards my own calling, which is to chuck my love for humanity around a small community by being their doc.
- I’m taking a gap year next year to settle into life with R- and go away for a bit. Also to deck out our beautiful house with loads of plants and shelving units. We have no solid plans as of yet but I definitely want to look after elephants for six weeks minimum so I might have to kiss him goodbye for a bit whilst I go live out my quarter life crisis cleaning up elephant poo and hope he can fit some more shelves in the meantime or something
- I’m going to Berlin soon to get drunk on my own (/ with my airbnb host who apparently is a sick guy) and look at art and museums. Any recommendations, holler this way please
- Oh also going to Ibiza with my doctor friends. These days, whilst I still LOVE a night out, I put my water bottle, nasal spray and paracetamol by my bedside for when I get back which means that my liver and I are ageing. But i thought, you know what, let’s have one final crack at pretending to be 18 before I go become a wife and a mother of various houseplants
- I thought I’d be like a youtuber and do a pre ibiza glow-up but I’m supposed to have gone for a run and i’m sat here in my pyjamas spewing this nonsense onto the world wide web so, poor effort so far. Also, I’ve put on weight for the first time in my adult life and i spent several months feeling shit about it but i’m kind of coming to terms with the fluctuations of metabolism and bodies changing etc and how this is a thing that happens and i don’t need to suddenly ‘FIX MYSELF’ by hardcore going to the gym every single day if i can’t hack that.
Think that’s most things covered for now. i have to go into hospital in a bit to get some stuff signed off and go for a meeting. How shit is that, when i’ve just come off nights? I’m definitely feeling sorry for myself. I’m also working the weekend and should really box up some healthy meals so I don’t succumb to overpriced chips and beans like I did on my last long day (although I got the last batch of chips so she only charged me half price, winner winner farty dinner) and ugh I actually have loads of work to do. I think i need a lie down. I also need to see and speak to people if anyone wants to volunteer
Right kids, I’m off, hope you enjoyed all of the above crap. If you did subscribe! Then maybe i can make my blog better or you can just take over this page for me, whatever suits
love, xoxox
She paints with words 