It’s only really my second proper time doing Breathwork. I’ve never been to an actual class or even incorporated it into my life as much as I know I should. Both times, I’ve used the programme “Breathe” by Leeor Alexandra (I’ll link it at the bottom, it is transformative) Once I’ve laid on the mat and done a session, it becomes wholly unclear what kept me away all this time. Fear? Don’t be coy, now. That’s always it.
I realise now, 7 weeks into a back injury that was so bad I had to pee in a commode by my bed at night and have my mum help me shower and that I emerge, changed. Even though I have seen strides in my physical health, the emotional, energetic and spiritual impact of such an injury remains to be integrated. A process that needs to continue long after I’ve put my running shoes back on.
The breath is a powerhouse of life force and being viciously pushed out of my daily grind and thrown into a period of forced rest has made me actually look at it, for once. Be honest- when was the last time you just let life move through you? Without resisting it? If I’m to answer that question- I think I must have stopped some time after January this year. Caught up relentlessly in the outside world, hell bent on “making it”, being independent, needing no one, even/ especially my trauma-ridden family; I was operating out of my masculine for the most part of ’21. Me- the woman who has worked relentlessly on her issues and can preach self development ’til the cows come home. I was resisting all of life.
One week ago, following a Bowen Therapy session, I came home and felt throbbing pain down the length of my sciatic nerve. It was followed by an emotional purge of the colossal kind, rife with hot tears, enough-is- enough and “I resign”. Do with me what you will, universe. I am tired of resisting what is.
That night, my mother took out our old, tattered copy of “The Power of Now” and read the section on the Inner Body whilst I drifted off into post-purge-oblivion. I rose the following morning, truly surrendered. Desperation replaced by ease- not out of want but out of need. My body becomes a container for peace. Timeless. Formless. Presence. I closed my eyes and tuned into the inner body and felt its wave forms pulsate through me. I indulged in the Now and all the while, intrusive thoughts and physical pain reared their heads and for the first time in perhaps a decade, I really, truly allowed them to be and was pleasantly surprised by the speed with which they left.
This is the empowered state, the surrendered state, the highest frequency, the place from where miracles unfold and desires manifest effortlessly. It shouldn’t come as a suprise when I say that within a couple of days I could put the crutches to one side and walk. Like baby Bambi taking his first steps, there was some stumbling and intense focus needed- but it was success. It’s not too dissimilar to the last time I suffered an almost identical injury except there is more healing in wake.
In my last Bowen session, just under a week after the walking, I had become so accustomed to tuning into my Inner Body that I could feel where the healing was shifting to with each move. L- took a break and sat to one side as she let the move settle. Shortly after this I felt a presence to my right. She was a woman wearing black trousers and she adjusted some of the muscles in my back. Shortly after, a presence stood by my feet and shifted energy there too, moving my body without my conscious doing but with my absolute consent; thank you, whoever you are. L- did a move on my neck which she said she felt right at my heart centre “like a diamond”. She remarked it was interesting. I didn’t question it. Nor did I question any of the angels that entered the room that day. (I was also wearing black trousers)
In Breathwork today, I find myself running. It’s summertime in Sutton Coldfield and the air is thick with the smell of fresh cut grass. The soundtrack is Ayla Nereo. The best part of the run is where you go down the hill and the densely delicious wind breaks through the heat and melds with the emergence of cornfields. I ran that specific route a few times a week because the nature behind the house is intoxicating. I see the face of R- and I feel deep love from a boundaried place he is no longer permitted to enter but once did and for good reason. I see our soul contract as a partnership of energies and I am honoured by it. I thank it. I see W-. Our walks back from the studio, chicken nugget share-boxes in the park, the meaning you’ve given to my life. The love. THE LOVE.
I can see on a more intellectual level that I am deeply sensitive and resisting life has accumulated in my energetic body and created a physical ailment that forced me back into the feminine since I wasn’t about to do it myself. I see that self care was on the back- burner and people like me need to make time and space to just be. We need the breath, the inner body and the space to surrender in a challenging and deeply unconscious world. We need to connect, to ground and to paint our feelings onto blank canvases… or perhaps with words.
Each day I tune in and listen to what she needs and I ask her, “Are you ready yet?” Each day, I honour her no and I accept her limits. I feel budlings of the masculine ready to rise and I know London is coming soon. I give it all up and pray that I bask in life’s humility and pause to remember her lessons as I continue to integrate this period.
You can find the link for “Breathe” right here.