Things I’m learning

This is just a quick one really. It wanted to start life as an Evaristo inspired art-prose with minimal punctuation and maximal effect. But a quick check-in reveals that said blog is still growing and not ready to be birthed. So today, I choose this one. *Correction*. This one chose me. Bullet points feel fitting. With extensive explanations and overuse of parentheses? I think so. Maybe throw in occasional poignancy and shell it up in humour for good measure. I glance at the rose tattooed on my left ring finger as I type and wonder why every piece has to be yet another reclamation of myself?! Do we think it’s because I just need somewhere to indulge in drama? Probably. Oh well, let’s see what desires to be penned…..

It’s easier to give it up
No; not in a resigned way like before. No, no, no. My spirit is so much lighter than that now. It just feels easier to be in the state of not knowing. To understand that control is more chaotic than chaos itself. That things have a way of working out and that doesn’t just come from a place of privilege (which does help, no doubt)… but a state of faith.

I can choose gratitude
Gratitude is such a loaded fucking word these days isn’t it? Regaining the use of my legs has thrown a somewhat different light upon where it simply feels a little easier to feel good about small things. The gratitude of today is laced with a different flavour compared to the coarsely textured version of it I was attempting to practise before. I would get on the train to central London and watch the cityscape roll alongside, old docklands, concrete jungles, urban gardens and plant-pots brightening balconies with a swell of pride that said “I did this”. Until I developed a sort of inner knowing that pride is a curse and the new flavour my gratitude has taken on is one of humillity. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Tomorrow is not promised. I didn’t do this- you did ([yo]universe: the divinity in me is is in you and IS YOU).

Men who taste like sertraline
Let’s take a second to give it up for co-regulation. Our hearts desire openness, connection, love and people who make our nervous systems sigh in relief. After years of doing the work, I finally get to taste what that might feel like. Safety, balance, ease and overall joy. Figuring out who I am by relating to another but feeling secure enough to explore myself. Life is such a journey goddamit- why are we hell bent on taking its art away? How sexy it is to LIVE, not needing a label or a plan or a time frame or an assigned sex or an indoctrinated narrative of “must have gender reveal party by the time I’m 30”.

I believe the affirmations
I am beautiful. I am abundant. I attract healthy loving relationships. I am in perfect health. Everything is happening for me. I am having a human experience in all its rich duality and I chose it, just as it chose me.

I’m finally connected enough to be able to see the art in all of life. Can you see it too? Keep opening, keep asking, keep feeling, keep going. There is beauty in it all.

Love & health to you all x


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