Notes to self from a year of living in London

– always know how much money is in your bank account because it costs £1.50 to breathe in this city and they will be applying a surcharge during busy times

– there is no place for heeled boots anymore, Londoners walk, they weave and they wear trainers

– never go anywhere without a book because if you do you’ll end up writing some crap blog post whilst drinking coffee that costs approximately 2/3rds of your monthly rent

– be sly about the people watching- look but don’t linger too long. They might think you’re smiling at them underneath your mask. If this happens on public transport, the chances of the world imploding increase by 15%, give or take

– invest in a portable charger. Especially important for the days you forget your book

– for fucksake pal, if you get on the tube with a rucksack on, take that bitch off your back and put it on the ground or LEAVE

– tell your friends when and where you’re meeting your Hinge date for the first time and if they haven’t heard from you by __pm…. Send the search party to *insert approximate location*. This probably applies to other places too but I only know about crushing single loneliness in the UK capital

– London Bridge is a great meeting point for everyone apparently. Unclear if this is a biased opinion- will feed back after more experience

– if you’re drinking anywhere near the proximity of east London with friends… you will end up in Shoreditch. It’s a guarantee. Don’t fight it, there’s no point resisting it. Just hope you go home to the paracetamol in your bedside table but carry some extra and your spare glasses with you in case you end up…. well…. elsewhere, you massive garden hoe

– everyone has some allegiance to the north or the south. I thought this was countrywide but apparently a bendy boy of a river can really make or break friendships. Once an allegiance is formed, it appears to be somewhat tricky to go back

– go home to where your parents live to get your nails done. £35 for a simple shellac manicure is literally appalling

– if you have an ethnic sounding name you’re a bit screwed but if sound white over the phone that somewhat makes up for it. Oh wait- that’s just the entire western world; never mind

– always have a glass of wine before checking Zoopla

– when checking Zoopla, prepare for the moral dilemma of gentrification + capitalism vs your need to get on the property market to have any chance of financial survival. I’ll just leave that there

– Boris is even more annoying when you know you live in the same city as him. He definitely evades the breathing tax mentioned above

– if you don’t always have a slight baseline level of anxiety, i don’t think you’re allowed to call yourself a Londoner

– be as gay as you fucking want!!!!

– when it’s all over, make sure you retire somewhere in the ‘burbs that has a direct train straight into Waterloo but make sure you’ve perfected your white voice over the phone by then… god knows you’re gonna need it

To be continued after more breakdowns & adventures


G x


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