Nuance

imagine i was invested; probably be interestin’ for you

So much of this text is born from trying to transmute a complex, coloured thickness contained between the walls of my chest into words. In those gaps between thoughts I find increasingly that beauty is born. There it lives; in the split second between in the inhale and the exhale and in the richness of mellow notes on the playlist you deliberately curated for its own power over you. It’s in that first sip of coffee and that first break of daylight at the tail end of a night shift. It’s in nuance.

woke up another day being a vibe, can’t say that i’m surprised

I left London in a daze eight months ago for a period of what I now consider forced integration. Two waves of a pandemic, a rediscovery of self, a redefining of relationships and fresh buds of new love had my exhausted soul needing to do things like sleep, paint, return to therapy, try veganism and set boundaries. The return was laden with a period of further distress, discovery and contentment so deep it was unfamiliar to me.

all these rules still can’t stop me, i got angels all over my body

In the last six months I’ve been totally devastated by the state of life and the world, struggling and forgetting that everything I have is everything I deliberately set out to manifest. The sense of being safe and supported was lost on me and at times still is. The injury instilled deep humility in me but humility somehow transformed into hopeless disempowerment and fear of not being capable enough to survive in this world. It feels so human to be caught up in that density of the 3D.

i’m that bitch to my knowledge yeah, catalogue flawless yeah

And as of recent weeks: a more welcome shift. Full circle to quiet peace. Remembering that I chose this life and I am capable of being the woman who wanted it in first place and forged that path through sheer determination. Remembering that before I caved to loneliness I found peace in solitude. Remembering that I am only where I am for my ability to feel those emotions that are complex, sadness weaved into happiness. Remembering that everyone faces existential dread and that’s what connects us. Remembering that there is beauty in nuance and that I need not be a slave to a mind so human, so busy, so ego-identified, so afraid.

you think that i’m pretty, damn, you should see my soul

^{Words by Gowri
Lyrics by Dounia}